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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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So, I’m finally getting into the groove, right? I sit down on a bench, and this random dude starts chatting me up. He’s talking about the history of Kraslava, how it used to be a fortress and all that jazz. I’m nodding along, but inside, I’m thinking, “Dude, I just wanna chill.” But hey, I’m polite, so I let him ramble.

The President of Latvia: Krāslava is a special place in the map of Latgale and our country